Back to square one

I believe that everyone is different.  I don't subscribe to the idea that all men are the same.  Let me clarify:  I do know that physically speaking, all men have the same parts and those men and their parts can vary in size significantly.  The idea, however, that all men are dogs or that the next man you meet will do to you what the last one did, good or bad, is ridiculous to me.  I am a trusting soul.  I trust everybody until they give me a reason not to.  Which is, it seems, what leaves me open to getting hurt.  I have been told by friends, women and men alike, not to trust a man until they prove themselves trustworthy.  I'm still waiting for the barometer for that... That said, I refuse to give up on men in general.  There has to be one out there that is sincere in how he portrays himself.

I have an aversion to men who act out jealously.  I have my theory of jealousy.  I believe that the feeling that people refer to as jealous is in fact insecurity.  Maybe not in one's self or one's partner, but in the relationship itself.  Then, the actions following the insecurity is jealousy.  I have been told on more than on occasion that I'm a flirt.  Which has been a problem in relationships with insecure men in the past.  I do not consider myself a flirt.  In my defence, I am not shy.  I'll talk to anyone.  My friend once commented on what she observed while we were at a grocery store.  She had said that 'normal' people go to the grocery store and get what they need and leave.  You (me), on the other hand, talk to everybody and ask them non grocery questions and find out something personal about each of the people You speak to.  She gave this example:

    You go to the store for tomatoes, eggs, and milk.  You park, see the lady two cars away emptying her basket into her trunk.  You approach her and ask if you can take her cart for her if she's done.  Then you make a comment on her sunglasses or car or just anything about her that starts a 3 minute dialog ending in you knowing her husband hated her choice, but has gotten many compliments on it.  Next you approach the entrance to the store and the boy scouts out front selling popcorn with their adult chaperone.  You ask a question of the young boy that makes his chaperone laugh and the conversation starts.  Next you are inside perusing the tomatoes.  The Produce guy comes by and asks if you are finding everything alright.  You mention how ridiculous the price of tomatoes is and the fact that although there are dozens of local tomato fields, that the store sells tomatoes from Chile.  And the conversation starts.  By the end of that little chat you know his name, where his wife is from and that she doesn't want anymore kids but he'd like another boy.  Next you make it over to the dairy section.  Just a gallon of milk and a dozen of eggs is all you need.  Then you start a conversation that turns into this man telling you stories of his grandma letting him collect the eggs from her chickens and how her cakes were just the fluffiest.  Finally with your 5 items or less you make it to the check out line where you are in a conversation with the lady in front of you, the bag boy, and the cashier.   You leave that conversation knowing the cashier had gastric bypass 6 months earlier, the busboy is so shy he joined toastmasters and the lady is related to a guy you had a crush on in high school.

I say that's just being naturally curious.  I ask people sincere questions and so far they seem more than willing to answer sincerely.  But other people label it as flirtatious, and that's where problems arise.  My closest friend is insanely jealous and so is her husband and it works for them.  She wondered if I in fact had feelings for 'Lips' (the guy who broke my heart) because I wasn't jealous whenever he went on the road.  After my melt down when he broke up with me, she never doubted my feelings again.  She has known me through both marriages and cannot fathom how I can not feel jealous.  I explained that on occasion I do feel insecure about the man I'm with, myself, or just the relationship in general, but Idon't act on those feelings irrationally.  When that happens, I discuss my feelings and whatever scenario has made me feel that way with my partner.  It is easier to just discuss it than torture yourself, especially if your imagination is as incredibly vivid as mine...

So back to dating...  I decided that I would just get together with my girlfriends and let nature take its course, whatever direction it may choose.  So I went out a few times, but mostly I was too exhausted to go out.  So I hadn't.  Then I saw an odd post on Facebook wishing a friend of mine best wishes on her fresh new start.  HUH??  So I replied that I wish her well on her fresh start too, why wouldn't I.  2 seconds later I get a text from yet another friend saying the first friend's divorce was final today.   I decided to make it on out to the dive she manages and wish her well and drink a toast to brave new worlds.  

I hadn't been to the bar in a few months, so when I get there, I see her, we hug and she tells me to come on in and make myself at home.  The place was packed.  I went in, but didn't really see anyone I recognized.  Then I saw a man I knew.  I had just gotten off work and my eyes were killing me.  I didn't really see if he saw me or not.  Next thing I knew, he was making his way towards me.  He came up and started apologizing for something he thought he had done or said to me.  I told him not to worry about whatever he was rambling on about, because I didn't even remember the incident.   He invited me to join him with his nephew and friends for a drink.  I just had water.  He introduced me to his nephew.  He was kinda cute.  I loved his mustache.   He had a unique look and a gorgeous smile.  His uncle kept telling me how beautiful he thought I was and kept apologizing for something.  The Nephew kept trying to engage me in conversation, but I didn't want to be rude to uncle, so I tried to keep it short.   The uncle was trying to get me to drink.  I usually just drink ice water there because it is a little far from home.  Plus I hadn't decided if I was staying or not.   I had my water and was talking to both uncle and nephew and trying to watch the basketball highlights on the many TVs in the place.

It was Karaoke night, so there were lots of people there.  Some sang well and some sang,  well...  lol  Uncle was getting really close and louder and louder.  The cute nephew told the bartender 'whatever she wants and a bud lite'.  I don't know why, but I really liked that.  He didn't 'ask' me if I wanted a drink.  He just took charge and let me decide what to drink since he already decided that I was going to.  I liked his cockiness.   I got a shot of Patron Silver.  I drank my shot and went back to my water.  Uncle was visibly upset that Nephew bought me a drink.  I was mesmerized by the nephews stories, so the uncle turned his back to us and left us to our own devises.  His nephew was telling me I was beautiful, but unlike the uncle I really believed he thought I was.  I fell for his smile and his sense of humor.  He asked me if I would like to go out with him the next day.  I told him I would love to, but I had to work.  He asked what time I got off and when I told him, he said great we'll go then.

Things didn't work out quite as I had expected at work, so I wasn't available until late in the evening.  He was very understanding.  We met at a local restaurant and he treated me to a late dinner.  We drank.  He had a few beers, I drank my water and we talked for quite a while.  Then we dropped off my car and we went for a ride.  We were going to go to a club, but decided to just sit and talk in his truck.  He was really forthcoming and was letting me know he was interested.  I felt so comfortable and relaxed with him.  He notices little things and it feels good.  He reached around and pulled me close to him and kissed me.  It was HOT!!!  Wow!!!  Things were tingling!!!  He caressed me and kissed me and gently pulled my hair just enough to pull my head back and give me an incredibly sensual kiss.  WOW!!  I heard a soft moan and was a bit surprised when I realized it was coming from me.  He kept his head about him, was a gentleman and he got me home before midnight.  

I had an incredible time.  I always make first date notes on my calender.  This is what I wrote...  Great dinner conversation.  playful with a great sense of humor.  Interested in hearing about me.  Not afraid to admit past mistakes.  He treated by saying 'I got this babe'.  Wow what a great kisser.  Seems responsible.  Attentive.  Not pushy, not an Octopus.  Not my type?  He got me home early.  Waited until I got in...  Brownie points for the excellent kiss and waiting until I got in.  I am back to square one.  I am excited about the prospect of starting a new adventure with him.   He seems like he's very confident.  In fact a little cocky.  Funny, he cracks me up.  He's cute.  I'm excited.  He says he's not jealous, we'll see.  I can only hope...