Don't know what I want, but know what I don't want.

A friend recently asked how I knew what I wanted.   How was I so together, after all I'd been through?  I thought about it for a while.  Even prayed about it.  I've come to the realization that I don't know what I want.  Dating, however has made me painfully aware of what I don't want.  I don't want the same ol' guy I've had for most of my adult life.

I think I've been wrong when I say I don't really want anything serious.  I do.  Just not within a week of meeting. What I really mean is that I don't want anything too serious too quickly.  I am a very passionate person.  That attracts men who are emotionally needy.  I don't want to be asked to move in with you after 2 weeks.  That scares me.  I'd like to get to know someone, hang out with their friends and mine and still sleep over in the interim.  Not the first date of course, but I don't want to wait too horribly long.  For that matter how soon is too soon?  Can we have physical intimacy without sex?  Can we just cuddle? Not too long, because I don't think I'm a cuddler. Although I have been known to enjoy cuddling, usually I can't do it for very long.  I do in fact really enjoy kissing.  That I could do for days.  A man who can kiss is the sexiest thing I can think of.  Long slow sensual kisses that lead to more kissing.

I would like a boy friend, I would.  I haven't been too excited about the men I've dated lately though.  What is wrong with dating for a while.  Why does there have to be a label slapped on our foreheads?  Really?   Can I just introduce you to my friends as my date?  Will you be offended by that?  And If you are, will you discuss it with me or let it fester?

I don't want to be alone.  By the same token I don't want to be with somebody just because they are there.  Or because I know they won't hurt me or leave me or abuse me.  I want to fall in love and share my life with a man. My friend tells me I'm brutally honest.  I believe that if things aren't going to work out, they aren't going to work out and we shouldn't drag it out.  Someone is gonna get hurt and I'd just as soon it be now than later.

My ideal man.  Is there such a thing?  I just want someone who is able to carry on a conversation.  Is passionate, but can discuss any differences we may have or just agree to disagree.  I would of course like for him to be taller than me.  I'm a Latina and 5'8", which in Latina translates to Amazon woman.   So many things going on in my life.  I just can't get it out of my mind the feeling when something wonderful happens and there is no one there to share it with.  Or of course the times in life when ya just need a little strange and again there's no one you can call.  At least no one that you wouldn't regret later.

I chat with a friend of FaceBook, who is more a flirtation than anything else.  I know nothing will ever come of it, but sometimes it just feels good to be wanted.  On occasion I even flirt with 'Lips'  the guy who pulverized my heart.  I know I could never allow myself to be with him again, but in that moment, it is satisfying knowing that he wants me.  Dirty dog that he is.  That is one thing that now I'm wondering about.  I have a  rule.  If I break up with someone, I don't go back.  Ever.  Is that a good thing or not?   I tend to stay in a relationship until I am absolutely certain that I no longer want to continue.  Then, never look back.  Wondering if that's the best plan of action...

OK people I know you read this how about some feedback?

Good Grief Charlie Brown!

Good grief Charlie Brown!  When will I ever meet a real man?  I know they are out there.  Maybe It's my definition...  I believe a REAL MAN should be a gentleman and a guy.  A real woman will appreciate it.  I'm looking for a man who is as comfortable in a club situation as a Super Bowl party.  It's not about where you are, but who you are with.  We all make concessions, but do not play the martyr.   Whenever my X would agree to go out to dinner with me, he would get in the car, gaze deep into my eyes and say "We are only going out to dinner because you want to.  You know I enjoy eating in my own home more than anywhere else."  Oh how incredibly romantic huh...   Well hell yeah!  I'd be more comfortable after working a 60 hour week to eat at home too if I had someone else cooking for me and cleaning up afterward.  Hello!  I guess he must have forgotten I was the only one working.

Where the heck was I going with that?  Oh yeah.  Doing things you may not like, because your significant other does.  Absolutely.   If you convince me to do something I wouldn't otherwise do, just for you, I am there 100%.  No whining.  May not ever do it again, but that one time, I am committed to enjoy myself.  Try new things, you may enjoy it.  

Well the last guy I was so excited about, wasn't even willing to meet my friends.  He kept saying he was going to treat me like a Queen.  He wanted me to be happy, as long as it could be on his terms.  He wanted to be a part of my world, as long as it fit into his world.  lol  So yeah, not dating him anymore. I knew the minute he asked me to move in.  Yes, you read right, move in.  We hadn't even known each other for 2 weeks.  While he was asking I was smiling and thanking him for the offer.  Inside I was making mental notes of all exits and anything that could possibly be used as a weapon.  I'm thinking he assumed that was the quickest way into my pants, since everything else he tried wasn't working.  Damn It!  I was having fun too.

Ok  my ideal guy is a guy's guy.  A guy who can watch basketball with me, hang out with my friends or his, doesn't have to dance well, but has to be willing to dance.  A guy that wants to camp on the weekend or have backyard barbeques.   Throw a Super bowl party, go to the gym with me, not cuz he needs to, but because I think I do.  Go out to eat at the greasy burger place in town or the expensive steak house 2 hours away.   Enjoy Taco night as much as my kids and help clean up after.   Leave work at work, carry on a conversation til 2am then make-out til 4.   I'm willing to try new things and we both need 'me' time apart to do stuff.

OK I'm rambling...